I had a bad dream, that woke me from sleep last night. I don't remember exactly what it was about. The thing I do remember, is that I kept doing the same thing over and over, never succeeding in what I was trying to achieve. I know very well what the dream was about. In two days it will be fifty days, I've been in isolation. I have been doing the same day over and over, never moving forward.
I've heard that term, cabin fever, but I've never experienced it. OK, maybe when I was stuck at home, with a baby and a toddler, during the great blizzard of 1977. There were fifteen feet drifts, many people died, babies were born at home, and the snow plows couldn't clear the roads. Of course, it was nothing like the new Coronavirus, but I was forced to stay inside for days. As I'm writing this, I realized that I may have been isolated, for maybe two or more weeks, but they were scary and hard weeks. Being home with two small children, may have made it even worse. All I know is, it was hard and felt very long.
Never in my seventy-five years, have I been forced to remain in my home for weeks at a time. It is the virus that forces me to remain in my home, not a decree from the Governor. Just as the blizzard kept me isolated, in the seventies. As you know, if you've read previous posts, I was taking precautions concerning Covid-19, long before the government was involved. I feared this killer virus, in the same way that I was so afraid, watching the snow cover my windows, in the seventies. I wasn't, sure how it was going to end. I know, that I do not want to end up a statistic today. I understand, I must continue, to remain in my home. It doesn't mean that I like it, but I know I have to.
So, almost fifty days, here in my condo, and I guess it's beginning to affect me. Realizing that I do not have a choice, is finally catching up with me, and my dream represented that. It's not that I don't have things to do. I have fun things to do, and things I should do around my home. I'm not bored. I have written here before, that I love to paint and garden. Two things that I am passionate about. I could clean and organize, or text friends. I could make watercolor cards, and mail them out to friends and family, which sounds like a lot of fun. It's not that I'm bored at all. I just think I need to see people, or have a change of scenery.
I am also,so fortunate that my adult daughter lives with me. I could be in solitary confinement, as many people are. She orders our food, and cleans it, when it arrives. She is fun to talk to and is creative herself. I know it would be worse without her, and I am very thankful, she lives with me right now. I am in good physical condition, which allows me to walk in the neighborhood. So what is wrong with me? Why am I feeling like I'm trapped?
I believe it is, because I am forced to remain in seclusion, by a deadly virus. If I venture out, my chances of contracting the virus increase greatly. I really need a change of scenery, but I cannot get what I want right now. I can see, why some people are up in arms, about being forced to remain at home. They are angry, with government for forcing them to leave their jobs, and remain in their homes. In reality, they should be angry with the virus. We are being asked to remain in our homes, because there is a creeping killer outside. It doesn't have a title, or an office, it just lives and grows all around us.
This blog is really more for me than others. It gives me a place to process my thoughts and feelings. If in doing that, I can help others, then all the better. I help people in my work, and I feel so fortunate, I have a job I love and one I am passionate about. I am not doing therapy in this blog. Mostly, just sharing my feelings and attempting to give others hope, in this dark time in history. Maybe I will sleep better tonight, having written this today. Even if you are not necessarily a writer, and I certainly do not consider myself one, putting your thoughts on paper, or on a computer, tablet or phone, will help you feel a release of emotions. It is a great catharsis. Writing is also a great way to get some feelings out, which releases stress. It doesn't have to be fancy and I even recommend that you destroy it after writing. This gives you freedom to say what you need to say, without worrying about someone reading it.
I'm expecting a better nights sleep tonight. I feel better already. Try writing today, if you are sad, frustrated or angry. It really works, and I know this from personal experience. Maybe it will improve your dreams tonight.
Be safe and remember that this won't last forever.