• Barbara Clayton Price


Day 93

Tuesday, 6/16/2020

This is the first post I've written in a week. I started writing the last entry a week ago about opening the backdoor in the late evening, and thinking about how it reminded me of my Southern roots. What I didn't know was that our black cat Tali ran out the door somehow, without me knowing it ,into the dark. I've been so emotional since that next morning, when we realized that he was not in the condo. How could I have been so careless?

Tali is a runner and quick as lightening. It was dark outside, and I never felt him slip by me. I never noticed, that he wasn't in the house when I went up to bed. I thought he'd gone up before me, and was in bed with my daughter.

When I came downstairs that next morning, my daughter said that she couldn't find him. She said that she'd checked everywhere except my room, because that door was closed. Tali was not to be found, and my daughter said, she could feel that he was gone.

We've looked for him for days. We have people on Neighborhood Watch ,social media, other friends and neighbors, keeping watch for him. I feel so guilty.

I was too busy writing about what I'd must experienced, to notice that he was gone. I blame myself for him getting out. I can't believe that it happened on my watch. I miss him and at the same time I'm angry with him, because he was finally successful getting out of the house.

We've had to watch the doors since my daughter moved in with me. She had to do the same in her, house before she came to live with me three years ago. As I've said, he was a runner and he was quiet and fast. I still don't understand how he slipped by me. The door was open less than the width of my body. I should have felt him slip by. But I didn't.

I can't post about the heat of the night ,or the earthy smells from the damp ground. I can't relate back to my Southern roots. It's far too painful to know, that while I was writing, Tali may have just been on the other side of the door.

The world is continuing to experience a pandemic. There are much needed protests around the world, for great causes of racism and police brutality. I am contacting a young client daily who has Covid-19. I have been sequestered in my home for three months, and now I'm grieving the loss of our cat.

I just need to process today. I can't help others when I, myself, am struggling. Or can I? Therapists must pull themselves up by their bootstraps in times like these. We must block our own pain ,and care for others. I have treated clients shortly after my mother died, and other times when I was struggling. We have to put on our therapist hats and be present with our clients. That being said, I am thankful for this three day weekend, to write and to process my feelings with friends and family.

I hope that you are well and that your weather is as beautiful as ours is here. I send love and healing to all those who have lost a family pet, by death or who have been taken or run away. People who do not have animal family members, may not understand the grief, that some of us experience in these situations, but I'm sure that some of you do. It is never an easy thing.

Addendum: Tali came back two days ago. He'd been gone for four days. He was dusty, skinny, hungry and thirsty. He is quarantined from our other kitty, until his visit with the veterinarian. Thank you for reading the previous post. We are so happy our boy is home.

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